From which balcony?

I am not out to steal anyone's job, my dearest Waldorf & Statler but I have to remind especially Statler that women would do anything to get married and furthermore to have The Most Original Wedding, something that noone has seen before.

United Breaks Guitars

They should be thanking United for breaking their "Taylor" Guitar and sharing their profits...
Wouldn't I be perfect for a stewardess? I should be firing my publicist some time soon...

Associated Chairs

My dear friend Sandy was seated next to me yesterday during Michael Jackson's Memorial and asked me if she could quote me for her article . She really liked my thoughts and I gave her my permission. Rumour has it she had somewhere else to be later and she didn't have time to write her version of the story but don't you think I should be mentioned somewhere? I have to ask Liz about that. Adding this to my list of "tacky" among yellow ties, silver sparkling gloves, etc...

Miss Jenna's speech at the Michael Jackson Memorial Service

Miss Lemon asked me to post this for Miss Jenna:

or did she say mail?